No love like self-love
May is National Masturbation Month. The celebration of May as National Masturbation Month began in 1995 in San Francisco as a response to the forced resignation of then U.S. Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders. Elders made history as America’s first Black Surgeon General.
After a speech at the United Nations World AIDS Day in 1994, an audience member asked Elders about masturbation’s potential for discouraging early sexual activity. She answered, “I think it is something that is part of human sexuality and a part of something that perhaps should be taught.” That statement was the end of Elders’ career as America’s first black Surgeon General.
Masturbation can be defined as an act of self-love. It’s an essential tool for self-awareness and enhancing our most intimate relationships.
Like partner sex, solo sex is one of the most gratifying human experiences we have. Many of us live life at a frenetic pace – rushing through most everything we do in our lives. Too often, masturbation is simply done as a quick, easy means to achieve orgasm. Seldom do we consider the sensual component of solo sex. If we took our time and focused our thoughts and energy on the erotic pleasures that our own touch can offer us, we would soon discover just how sensuous autoeroticism could be.
Self-pleasure can be just as fabulous as actual intercourse as you can masturbate whenever you want. You’re free to experiment with fun, sometimes-unusual sex toys, without worrying about being judged or hurting anyone’s feelings. Who knows what gets you off better than you? Plus, you don’t need to stock up on condoms or worry about birth control. Self-pleasure is always exactly as short or long as you want it to be, so go ahead and be selfish! Self-love is the BEST love!
You’ll never wake up regretting what happened last night. No one will care if your nether regions haven’t been trimmed in weeks. Yes, pubic hair is apparently making a comeback, but seriously, your vibrator couldn’t care less how you wear your bush.
When we allow ourselves adequate time for self-pleasuring, our erotic mind and body are given sufficient time to reveal their secrets. We soon learn firsthand:
What turns us on and off.
What makes us feel sexy and uninhibited.
What erogenous zones are most arousing.
What feels good when done slow and gentle or hard and fast.
How long we like to be stimulated.
How sensitive our genitals are.
The best way to reach orgasm.
How to expand our sexual capacity into multiple orgasmic bliss!
Choose a time and place to tempt your inner sex God or Goddess to come out and play and a time of day or evening when you are assured lengthy privacy. Consider a location that you feel comfortable, safe and uninhibited such as the bedroom, shower or bath. Turn off the phone and lock the door or do whatever you have to do to ensure privacy. Gather together any items you think you would want or need – lubricant, lotions, food, towel, a mirror, sensual fabrics, pillows, sex toys and erotic photos or literature. Creating a time and place for your erotic self-pleasuring will make you feel relaxed, sexy and free.
Use your imagination rather than porn. Not only does watching porn leave nothing to the imagination, it provokes a fast-and-furious release making it one of the leading causes of premature ejaculation in men. By using our imagination instead of porn during masturbation, we prolong the intensity and duration of our pleasure. If you have difficulty using your imagination during solo sex, try using erotic photos or reading erotic literature. Some tantric sex instructors recommend using images of just the genitals of the opposite sex. Find what works best for you.
Engage ALL of your senses. To truly experience a luxurious session of self-play, engage as many of your senses as you can – sight, sound, smell, taste and of course, touch.
Sight: Consider masturbating in front of a mirror. Watch closely as arousal transforms your body into a sensuous scene. Notice the changes in your skin tone especially around your genital area. Become your own sensual trigger.
Sound: Include whatever music turns you on and makes you feel sexy during your next solo session. Also pay attention to the sounds you make when becoming aroused – the groans, moans, whimpers and sighs.
Smell: Use erotic-scented candles or lotions such as jasmine or lavender when masturbating. Scent is a powerful memory trigger. Use it during solo sex and then again for partner sex to help you recall the pleasure of your sexual sessions. When we become aroused, we emit a scent – notice if you can detect yours the next time you are masturbating.
Taste: Lick yourself all over – from your fingertips down the rest of your body. Add the occasional nibble. Taste yourself – add a touch of honey or whipped cream to the experience if you like.
Touch: Caress, tickle and touch your entire body especially your erogenous zones. Spend time discovering what rhythm and stroke feels best, especially against your genitals. Rub your body with fur, velvet, silk, satin, ice, oil, honey or lotion. Revel in the different sensations.
Regular self-pleasuring increases our capacity for pleasure. The more pleasure we get, the more we want. The more we learn to enjoy, the more we can handle. We soon discover that orgasm is not a goal to be achieved quickly for the process is just as rewarding. By slowing down and taking ample time to focus on our own complete sensual fulfillment through sexual self-love we learn to become truly great lovers to both ourselves and our partners.
Get naked and enjoy the sound and scent of your own body. Let go of the pressure, enjoy touching and exploring what feels good. You’ll find that as soon as you release the pressure of reaching the Big-O, the juices will flow! Simply relax. Breathe and be patient. Self-pleasure and knowing what turns you on takes time. You are your own teacher, soon to be your own master.
The silence and shame that shadow masturbation have long and deep roots. Beyond religious condemnation, the practice was not long ago considered an affliction for which medical doctors used the cruelest of instruments and techniques to control. Yet, women with hysteria were also medically treated by being masturbated by the physicians who eventually built elaborate room sized vibrators to take over the handwork of bringing women to orgasm.
Back in 1995, Good Vibrations launched National Masturbation Month to protest the firing of Clinton appointed U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Joycelyn Elders. Conservative members of the administration blasted Elders when she responded to questions regarding safe sex by saying that “Masturbation is something that perhaps should be taught.”
Getting over our discomfort with masturbation and healthy sexuality is not just important for ourselves, but even more so for the next generation. Opening the dialogue with the young people in your life and normalizing the language of sexuality is one of the most important steps you can take to build sexual health into your family’s future.
Sigmund Freud said, “The only thing about masturbation to be ashamed of is doing it badly.” Indeed, masturbation is one of the healthiest behaviors we can add to life. It helps maintain genito-urinary health and teaches us to become and remain responsive sexual partners. Learning how to experience pleasure alone can have a meaningful impact on a number of sexual problems between couples.
Accepting the full responsibility of our own sexual nature, needs and preferences is the gift you bring to a healthy sexual relationship with someone else. There is no wrong or right way to masturbate so don’t dismay. You can be dressed or undressed, sitting up or lying down, whatever feels good for you is the right way. Get to know your body, every nook and crevice could be holding some sensual delight, if you don’t explore – you won’t find out. So get naked and empower yourself!
By Hasina Ifra